My neighbor doesn't even live there

by Tim
(Southeast Michigan)

You would not believe this guy. He is a total nut from the ankles up. This guy inherited the house next to me when his nice little old lady Aunt passed away. He retired (got kicked out) of one of the local auto factories and takes his gripes out on his neighbors.

Did I mention he doesn't even live there, he is acting like a caretaker. He comes over during the day, gets drunk, and leaves in the afternoon. In the meantime he has worked hard to ruin the garden in the backyard. Where his Aunt had a real nice place with cultivated wildflowers, exotic plants, spices and beautiful rose bushes. He has failed at tomatoes, carrots and beans.

Piece by piece this guy managed to kill off or pull out most of the nice flowers and plants. In its place he tried to grow the worst broccoli plants I've ever seen. As time went by the beautiful rose bushes started to die off one by one.

Guess who he blames that on. You got it, me, his neighbor. One day not too long ago a wind storm or some other natural cause broke one of the branches on his remaining rose bush. Do you think he bothered to ask any of the people around that might have a clue as to what might of happened. Nope, didn't happen.

Guess who he did call? Okay, I'll tell you. He called the local police force. Can you imagine that phone call? "Hello, officer I think my neighbor climbed the fence and stepped on my rose bush. It must be him because he's crazy" or something like that.

Sure enough I get paid a visit from a local cop. "Do you know anything about the neighbors rose bush" he asks. "Sure" I respond, "he has been killing them off for the past 3 years. He doesn't know how to garden. Just look at those broccoli and tomato plants."

To my surprise this policeman bursts out laughing. "Thanks" he says, I'll put that in my report. You understand that we have to respond to his calls, even though there is nothing we can do." "Hey, no problem officer, by the way can you keep an eye on my place while your at it" I ask. "We have a lot of expensive equipment here that the neighbor has seen. I think he might want to retaliate against me for his bad gardening," I asked. "Will do" the man says, "it must be difficult living next to this guy?" he ventured. "It is," I respond, "never can tell when he is going to accuse me of being mother nature." And at that we shook hands and smiled and went about our day.

So, it sux to have a nutty neightbor that blames you for his bad gardening and calls the cops on you for it. On the other hand it's cool that the local cops are looking after my place for me.